When a post is long, I like to put a summary upfront to show respect for those who are especially time challenged. In this post it might be unreasonable to expect me to share an amazing breakthrough briefly.
Summary: I’ve had what feels like a breakthough and have written about it in some depth. I believe that I’ve transitioned from surviving to thriving.
I’ve had what feels like a breakthough and have written about it in some depth. Have I transitioned from surviving to thriving? Am I experiencing my authentic, genuine self or am I going through another manic phase, only to crash and burn and get closer to that black hole? The answers don’t matter. I hope you can empathize with me that this breakthrough is a really big deal for me and am driven to share it with you as completely as I can, only I can’t in this post. However, I’m working on a more complete version that I hope to provide a link to y’all in the future.
Suffice to say, I believe I’ve transitioned from surviving to thriving; that’s what the evidence suggests, anyway. I’ve let go of the hurt, the guilt and the shame that had crippled me. What I can tell you is that I see a bright future and enjoy living in the moment.
Am I experiencing my authentic, genuine self or am I going through another manic phase, only to crash and burn, only to get closer to that black hole? The answers don’t matter. The thing that matters is, in this moment, I’ve made a major breakthrough to a better place, and see the possibility, as my saint (mentioned elsewhere) says frequently, of long-term healing. I can see it! That is, breaking free from the event horizon, escaping the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel,
Looking in the rear-view mirror, I see a l-o-n-g path and it doesn’t look that bad. I might describe it as beautiful. Never thought I would say that. I’ve heard there’s a reason for everything. I’m only just now learning what that means. Regardless, I wouldn’t wish the horrific abuses that I’ve survived on anyone.
No, I pray no one has to endure such things: at the risk of a potential breakthrough, the consequences can be devastating for others. That makes me sad. The abuses that I’ve endured have sapped me of the full joy that life has to offer, for almost six decades! Not every survivor makes it as far as I have. That feels awkward to say, as if bragging, but I don’t mean it that way and apologize if it sounds like that.
But my recovery journey has shaped who I’m becoming, and … I like who I’m becoming. Never thought I would say that either. I’ve long seen myself as vile and believed that others saw me that way. The anger that I carried with me everywhere was really embarrassing.
Have I healed? What I can tell you is that I see a bright future and enjoy living in the moment. The process of healing will never end, but with continued effort, perhaps, just perhaps, I have gone from abused to joy.
Thanks for reading.
Wishing you much love and peace,
“Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ― Mother Teresa
Ps: Have words of encouragement or a testimony to share? Does/has this blog helped you in some way? Know of additional, valuable resources? Suggestions for topics? Post a comment or you can also send me a private message by using the “Contact” page on my website or message me on FB.
Consider sharing this blog with others. Victim/survivors of abuses, more often than not, carry this burden silently alone, not knowing how to deal with it or where to turn, but need hope. Loved ones and caregivers also need support. We never know who is or wants to reach out for help. This blog might be of help to caregivers and loved ones of abuse. Silence is deadly and if together we are able to help or save just one life, isn’t that worth it?
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It has been great to meet and talk with you Matt… I look forward to reading long or short versions of any topic, story, thoughts or emotions you touch on.. I hope they help other survivors in their healing journey.. I know talking about it helps me.. be well !
Thank you for posting…Sharing intimate details is scary. Thank you for being so brave and for reaching out to others through this blog. I know much of your heart in this blog. Your openness and honesty is quiet beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
An excerpt from the blog The Effects of Sexual Abuse Never Go Away” – “ A child is likely to be left with strong feelings of anger, fear, shame, hurt and disappointment”. That’s some of the reasons why 45 years later I’ve never told my story. Yes, it’s hidden and yes it affects me to … Continue reading Anonymous